what i missed....

as i was hanging out on facebook today,i read one of my frnd's status.it was abt a birthday...which i cldnt attend due to some reasons....reading it,the first thought that came to mind was how i had spent the very same day...in a totally different manner.

once again,i felt yesterday the regret of being in Pune's top junior college-"Laxmanrao Apte Prashala".when i first read my timetable,it had my biology and IT ppr on 21st...and i was like...fuck man!its pranav's party yaar!all the plans,all the fum i had been looking forward to,melted away in a jiffy.i was really wanting to enjoy this one because me and pranav had really not been able to bond like before due to some minor differences.but the main reason was that i knew if i wld be with my frnds,it wld be an escape for me from the real world at least for a while...escape from all the bad thoughts,escape from boredom,escape from harsh....and most of all,escape from myself....

i gave my maths paper till 1.15....cldnt possibly write anything more in it.i was too upset the day before it when 2 of my frnds were discussing the plans for the party and the night out.i wasnt able to participate in the plan making,nor the gift searching expedition,it being one of my most favourite activities.

i was returning home when in my way i saw him and his new girlfriend(new or old,i dont know).i dont know what happened to me and i messaged him on her cell to go and fuck himself with her and never to show his face again to me.what i was expecting was a polite sorry,or at least no replies.instead,i was treated with a reply of equal intensity of shivya.i came home and cldnt stop myself form crying.i called my best frnd only to hear how they were enjoying and what all they were eating(no offence).spent my afternoon buried in the pillow...

then came NM's turn .i reached class and there was ita...telling me all about the party...how kaushik got lost and blah blah.


but i seriously missed some things.i missed the night out.i missed the cake at midnight.i missed the shopping hour.i missed the counting-your-money-for-the-gift and the latest-gossip-all-night moments.i missed clapping for the birthday boy and i missed smearing cake on his face and i missed the cozy lunch.and i missed a whole night of pure friendship....

the judgement

this is one of the deepest thoughts of me.....and i hope some of u would be kind enuf to connect to them..


that day,i was waiting for sum1 near FC..and had a hoard of really cool guys around me...(he he).and once again,i heard what i shouldnt have...or what i didnt want to...

the guys were discussing their future girlfriends....talking abt them,and coming up with ideas of hw to propose.one of them said to the other one,"How is that girl standing over there...?" and he was pointing towards me.

and once again,as usual,i heard the other guy saying,"Nah yaar...shes too dark."

i still dont understand why does the skin color come in way of discussing a potential girlfriend.arent dark girls like me capable of being loved?is it just what friends say when they meet ur gf that matters?do looks count to evrything?ever do guys think of what we feel when we get such remarks?

i tried to get over the feeling i was getting when i heard that.but i couldnt.and i left....with lots of thoughts,both good and bad,in my mind.many such incidences have come my way till now,and i cant possibly forget them.do i thank God for making me not just a sex object in the eyes of ppl like them or do i curse God for not making me fair like everyone wants?do i thank the ppl who like me not because of my skin color but my qualities or do i blame 'cool guys' for not liking me?do i stop wearing Red or Purple or do i say i look good in it?

is this how ppl judge me?if yes,i dont want to be judged...